You never know what goes on in a persons mind. You never know what fronts they put up to make those on the outside believe that everything is going just fine. No real struggles and no real problems.

I begin with this because it's what I've been doing for the past few months. I've been one of those people. I've been hiding behind sunglasses in the morning because of my bloodshot eye color.

I have to admit that I'm well on my way to a complete meltdown-- both spiritually and emotionally. I've been blocking out the tragedies of my existance for some time now and the feelings of inadaquetacy have caught up with me. I've been running a race to get away from them but I can't. I can't get away from them. It's wearing me down. Again I must look defeat in the eye and confront it HEAD ON.

I have a really bad habit of masking these types of feelings. I can count on one hand the few that are allowed to see my super sensitive and emotional side. Sometimes I don't even want to face it. But I have to look in the mirror each day therefore the choice is no longer my own.

This emotional roulette I'm playing with myself is such an unhealthy game. I realize that each and every time I play it. Once again I have to face myself and demand changes. I have to demand changes in my ongoing relationship with "G" and with my current housing or shall I say lack of housing situation.

"G" is the hardest to conquer. I've been told that I should lean on him for support and have my fun but keep my emotions in check. I'm seeking answers that I only want to hear. But, why not? Why not have a good time in the process? Am I just raising the stakes in my game of emotional roulette? If I do, will this be my downfall? I can't answer these questions myself. So, I have reluctantly decided to clarify my emotional well being with some good 'ol fashioned therapy. At this point, I have no choice. If I keep going this way, I feel I will lose more than my emotional well being.

Oh prayer is a major factor in my healing...but I need to talk this one out.
I will be brutally honest...I want to releive some of this frustration with a nite of sex!!

"G",
I'm thinking about you -- I'm always thinking about you. But you can't have the best of MY world and your world too. You are comfortable with your situation good or bad. I'm not comfortable with OUR situation. When a person gets to the point where they must seek outside assistance then there is a problem. You can no longer put my world on hold while you daudle in your world. I say this constantly, but somehow I have to have the strength to finally mean it.

More later...
Peace,
Daquan