Gerald Levert sings "Ain't if funny you should call today?' -- I'm talkin' about "G" callin me today almost demanding to know who's in my life that prompted such an extreme letter. Dayum, he also had me giving in to him too. And this was on the telephone. Can you imagine if he were in my house. I don't know any woman who would admit to having such an obsession with someone. Let me admit it now. Ok, I'm obsessed. So what? I'm still going to pull myself back. I told "G" that I can't be one of those women, that love a man she can't have forever, ultimately depriving herself of a full life. I know all about the what if's--I've taken all the chances and I am fully aware of what it's like to truely love someone you can't touch. I'm not supposed to feel this way. He told me when he read the email I sent, he scrambled to contact me...he called me at my job which still contains my voice mail at my desk. I called the voice mail to retrive his message. If I'd listened to that message before his call...I know all bets would be off.

Gotta stick to your guns Daquan. Plain and simple.

Last night before I went to sleep, I prayed to my Creator to give me answers. I asked him to give me clarity in the form of my dreams. I've been reading that dreams are actually our spirit guides interpertations of answers to many of our questions. I try to remember my dreams as best I can. When I wake in the middle of the night it's very vivid. I still remember portions when I wake up but I've never written them down and tried to interperet the meaning or find an answer to whatever I'm thinking before I fall asleep. Earlier this week was the first of one of my "sort" of recurring dreams I've had in a few months. Since dreams are linear with reality, I need to know how they collate with my everyday life.

I dreamt that I was seeing someone. That's not the "sort" or recurring theme because I've dreamt that I was seeing someone on many occasions. The recurring theme comes in here: This person was a celebrity--local or otherwise-- the venue of where the dream takes place always changes but the actual meat and potatoes of the dream are the same. Why are these dreams coming back after such a long absence. I think it's because I have "G" on the brain and my dreams/spirit guides are showing me by putting celebrities in my dreams that these people are people that I can't be in a relationship with. Over the past months I've just put "G" in the back of my mind knowing that he'd take a break from his real life and contact me in one form or another. I was not dreaming these "theme" dreams then. Now, that I've brought him to the forefront, the dreams return...NOW, I get the message. Now, I understand--sort of. This is the only sense I can make of it right now based on memory alone.

I'm gonna ask for answers again tonight before I sleep. I'm gonna read that dream interpertation/meditation book and practice the excercises more throughly in order to contact my spirit guide whoever she is.

I'll holla later

Peace,
Daquan

I decided to do some housework in silence today. Usually, I have some sort of background thing going on--music or television. But I need to do some reflection so hence my decision. Anyway, I came up with a few things. Mainly being "limitations". Why do I feel so limited in what I can do? I have a great post graduate education. Why can't I make the big bucks? I thought about how some people have all the "luck". Some of my associates, have great jobs--by great I mean 50K and up. They live in wonderful homes. They have great spouses/boyfriends getting ready to be spouses. It seems to me they have it all. Why can't I? The answer is so very simple...LIMITS. They have none. That's why they have what seems like everything.

I on the other hand, have limited my own successes by feelings of self doubt. Those associates of mine are not lucky. They realize that within themselves that there is NOTHING they CAN'T accomplish. Therefore they dine with the finest folks at the finest restaruants, travel with their jobs, go on trips on the weekend to where ever with out thought of cash flow cause they make enough money to just "afford" it. They are in the bestest social circles. I'm not saying I need to be all of that. I'm just saying that my limitations I have engrained in myself have stopped me from all the successes I deserve.

I remember when I was in college and I told my mom that I wanted to go into radio. I wanted to major in Communications. She told me I would not be able to do anything with that degree and I should do something that was geared towards the techie age. But, I knew in my heart that I didn't want to do that. My passion was what it was. I majored in Communications anyway. I was a local celeb at the college radio station with all the potential to enter the big markets. But I didn't...for some reason I was terrified and therefore sent those vibes into the universe. As a result I never got into the big markets. I limited myself because my mother told me years earlier that I couldn't do that. Subconsioulsy, I believed her. I would always get to a certain point and be pulled back. Just like that cane that would appear on a stage and snatch you off before your big performance. (Thanks "S").

I put that limit on me....I allowed it to continue throughout my life until TODAY. Even though I got the post grad degree, I was too terrified that I couldn't or wasn't good enough to get past the interview to make MY world successful. I ended up with a job...but never the job I deserved. I settled. Even though I knew it wasn't good enough, I settled.

I went from job to job...my credentials are good. They could be better. They could have more experience that I know I should have, but I don't because I settled.

These limitations, I also realize have taken over other aspects of my life. Boys...I have limited me when I choose a man. I choose the one that is 2 steps away from the bottem of the barrel. I settled once again. That was 3+ years ago. Since then I've decided to remain single and rethink this part of my existance. Daquan 1-- Deadbeats 0.

This has to end somewhere. I've applied for the jobs that I deserve according to my education. While applying for these positions, I felt and asked myself and others so many questions like "how long or how many interviews will I have to "fake" out before they give me a chance. I can answer my own question now...and that answer is NONE. I don't have to "fake" out anyone or anything. I have to stop limiting myself and realize that I have accomplished alot. Some people have less than me in the education department and are doing GREAT (without limits). This applies to all you boys out there too!! I can be just as successful as everyone else. I have to believe in ME and release all those limitations I have allowed to accumulate in my psyche. THIS is how I will finally BE all I can be.

More growth insights later.

Peace,
Daquan

Hey--for those who are interested in what I had to say to "G" ... I said, I'd share everything in order to enhance my growth I feel compelled to post this.

Greetings G,

Since the time spent between us is so far and in between, I feel compelled to tell you how I'm doing. This is the only media I feel we have. As usual the ball remains in your court on a consistent basis, but now it's time for me to take it back, put in play, and make some serious changes on how this game will play itself out.

You and I have been instant friends since 52nd Street. I feel very blessed to have you walk into my life. Even 11 years later I still feel that same blessing. For if it weren't for you walking into my life, I would not have grown into the person I am today and therefore not able to summon all my strength to finally end this game we've been playing for the past decade.

G, although I have very deep feelings for you...I have to make room in my heart for the possibility of other things. I have enough "bottled" hopes for us to last more than a lifetime. I have to face the reality that my hopes are not your hopes. Who's to say that you are even what is good for me? Yes, G, you are where you belong. You made the right decisions. There was never a chance of me being a right decision cause I'm not the one wearing a wedding ring and I'm fine with that.

There were times however short or long that my mind would be boggled. Who was I? I shouldn't have let someone else's man have that effect on me. But it did--and all things happen for a reason. Sometimes you have to let things play themselves out completely before the answer is given. G, I have my answer now and I'm going to go with it.

I'm not going to say that I've lost myself in the essence of you. I've only lost the things I've allowed you to take. It wasn't much, for you had the decency to recognize that my heart was delicate and my intentions were not vengeful. I was truly searching for love. For that G, I thank you. But what I have allowed you to take, I have to take back...for these things need to be given freely to someone who truly has my heart and my feelings in my best interest.

I can honestly say that I'm glad that this "thing" we have is not ending in some malicious, nasty, vengeful, or volatile manner. That's is because we were friends first.

G, I thank you for all that I've learned--with each relationship you take away something positive. I can always say that I took something positive from this one.

Take care G

Peace

Mornin' -- it's Monday and I'm no more prepared to sit at this computer and look for a job than I was on Friday. Had a pretty decent weekend though. Went to the beach--The drive was nice, the scenery was awesome. I sent a long email to "G". I feel much better now having done that. Like something has been taken away from me, but in a good way. Although I know the letter is gonna bring about a visit or a phone call, I'm prepared. I just have to stand strong and not let the physical get the best of me.

Holla Later

Daquan

Sup..The work day winds down and I can feel evidence of the weekend. I'm kinda glad cause I can kinda put my employment issues on hold for a bit. It gives me a chance to regroup and get ready for Monday when I sit here and once again concentrate all my efforts into finding a job. I can't say that a whole lot of positive vibe went out into the universe today..but I can say that that no negative ones were sent out either. I guess that's called progress. Whew, I've grown. I've decided to rid myself of "G" via email. Lawd knows when I'm gonna see him, but I want him to be prepared before he decided to pop over and woo me with gentle words and tender kisses. He is certainly my weakness and people like him are not always good for you, regardless of how "GOOD" they are. If I were to be addicted to a drug, he would certainly be my drug of choice. Ya see I have to talk about him...that's the only way I'm going to get rid of him--not in that sense but I have to be able to move on to make room for someone else. Love follows that Law of Physics ya know. A new love can't come in because something is already taking up that space. But dayum, that man would do things to me that would make me forget my fuckin' name. Lickin', suckin', kissin' bitin' touchin' and last but not least...fuckin'. He's not good for me...I know it and he knows it and I'm quite sure his wife would be the first to second my motion. Since I have no real plans for the weekend, I'm going to make a concentrated effort to do at least a 30 minute meditation. I said at least 30 minutes..this is part of my detox effort and my aggressive attempt to bring clarity into my life.

Peace,

Daquan

Told you I'd be back. I did some thinking. Talked online with with one of ma girls. She's concerned and wanted to know why I had retreated lately. I just told her that I had some life's issues lately but I was keepin' up on everyone. I told her about the job situation and how I felt that something in my life was not right. She put things into perspective for me. She told me that basically new things will come when we purge ourselves of all the old negative shit. My question is how. We talked about boys. How love don't come until all old issues are resolved either. I need to clean up things with "G". I need to set the record straight once and for all and detox my energy from him permanently. One of my problems is that I have no diversions from my life. I have no pleasures to keep things off my mind. I guess these are one of the moments when a man friend would be allowed to gallop into my life and wrap his manliness around me to make me feel like I'm somebody. I really need to feel this way right now. We discussed limitations and how I should pray for the WHAT and leave the HOW and the WHEN to the Creator. We even discussed how the Creator can be HER cause only SHE can understand sometimes. It was cool and I'm grateful having heard this. WOW, I think I'm able to make it through another day. Tomarrow, only positive vibes to the universe, I promise.

I'll holla back

Daquan

I've been told that I need to write...just get my feelings out in the open via the art of journaling. I have about 10 pretty little books here and I've started but never followed through. As a result, my issues and feelings still remain. Although I agree that this is the best way to come to terms with yourself. I've never really followed through cause I refuse to sit still and really think about things. Hopefully this will do it for me. I will write here every chance I get. My entries will be in no particular order. Some entries will consist of one or more on any given day. Hell, I have alot to say. I have alot to negoiate with myself. I'm going to make this time work for me. Hopefully I will come out of it a different person. Hopefully a little wiser than when I started. Hopefully a little stronger than what I am currently.

Be back later...

Daquan